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THE TREND TOWARD LATER-IN-LIFE BREAKUPS; GRAY DIVORCE

By: David Glass

What Is “Gray Divorce?”

"Gray Divorce" is a relatively new trend that refers to couples aged 50 and older who choose to end their marriage. Divorce rates among older adults have increased significantly over the past few decades, as more couples are reevaluating their relationships as life expectancy increases and retirement approaches.

Why is Gray Divorce on the Rise?

There are all sorts of reasons I list some of them below:

  • Empty nest syndrome once the children leave home. Many who committed to sticking it out until the children were out of the house, have suddenly shifted their priorities. They decide they will no longer put off their long-ago goals and “dreams; the ones they had been postponing for “one of these days…”
  • Greater financial independence, especially among women. Many of them are enjoying the pinnacle of their careers as they age, and are making good money, so they can afford to live on their own.
  • Shifting social attitudes that carry less stigma around divorce.People over 50 are no longer judged for leaving an intimate partner and living a life of freedom and independence, That often applies to men who “gray divorce.” They often opt out for a “younger woman.” Many men start new families.
  • Longer life expectancy. With advances in medicine and people taking better care of diet, exercise and mindfulness, people seek greater fulfillment in later years.
  • Growing apart after decades of marriage. Daily routines seem to keep them immersed in a regular grind, but in older years, they become more conscious of time and ticking by. Their immortality is more to-of-mind. Others have taken up new activities, interests, grown spiritually, or have changed their values. If a mate doesn’t transform into tandem with their partner, they one opting out suddenly becomes distant and detached. People change just like everything else.

What is the Emotional Impact of Gray Divorce?

  • Grief and loss after a decades-long partnership. The intimate partner emotional state mirrors that of a widow/widower. The process of adjusting and moving on is like any death. It just takes time to get through the natural stages of grief.
  • Anxiety about starting over later in life. Some are mired down in routines and customs and for them it is hard to imagine how or if they can start new ones. The anxiety can be overwhelming. Taking a day at a time is what I suggest to my Gray Divorce clients. That, and I also ask them to remain open to new “adventures” and to focus and capitalize on their blessings.
  • Changes in family dynamics with adult children and grandchildren. This can create a lot of trauma, discomfort, and uncertainty. Seeking therapy to find a plan for making this major change go smoothly can help a bereaved ex find ways to make this transition. The goal should be to handle this new family dynamic with civility, consideration, and grace.
  • In sum, a Gray Divorce presents opportunities for personal growth, independence, and reinvention.

Common Mistakes to Avoid

  • Underestimating post-divorce living expenses. Sit down with a trusted other to do some sensible planning for monthly costs by mapping out a workable monthly budget. Not planning can cause all kinds of problems. Making bad choices with money often has life-long consequences.
  • Overlooking healthcare and insurance costs. As you continue to age, it’s important to make the right decisions for these needs. End of life affects everyone and not allocating funds for your well-being for the long haul is often overlooked.
  • Failing to seek professional legal and financial advice, Sit down with a trusted professional (financial advisor or new CPA). Let that person help you with monthly and long-term money decisions, but more importantly let them guide you in determining what your equitable share should be when it comes to dividing community property and assets. Once the split is underway, close all joint bank accounts. Open one or more in your own name. Revise the titles on all real property assets. Talk with a will and estates professional for drawing up end-of-life documents.
  • Neglecting long-term retirement planning. You likely still have a lot of living to do. Make sure you have a workable plan for investing your share of the assets wisely. This could mean the purchase of income property, annuities, CD’s and stocks and bonds.

What’s really important to the Gray Divorce population is that they learn and plan to be on their own. After many years with a significant other, it may be initially difficult to enter the unknown. It’s planning and counseling that will get you safely and comfortably to a new beginning.